3 Things I Wish People Understood About Adoption Before They Adopt

Adoption is a life-changing journey that brings hope and love to children and families. Yet, many people begin this path with expectations that don’t match reality. As someone who was adopted and now works in the adoption field, helping youth in foster care find permanent families, I have seen firsthand the challenges and joys this process holds. Over the years, I have walked alongside many families, sharing their celebrations and struggles. There are a few important truths I wish every prospective adoptive parent knew before starting.

Adoption is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Many families expect adoption to be a quick process, but it often takes much longer than anticipated. The journey can stretch over months or even years depending on the state, the child’s situation, and other factors.

The first step usually involves completing a home study. This is a thorough review of your family’s background, including interviews, home visits, background checks, and references. While this can feel overwhelming, it ensures children are placed in safe and stable homes.

After approval, families begin the matching process. If selected, the relationship-building phase starts with phone calls, video chats, visits, and sometimes overnight stays before the child moves in. This time helps both the child and family adjust and build trust.

Even after placement, many states require a period of living together before finalizing the adoption. For example, my own adoption took three years from placement to finalization, even though my family was already licensed as foster parents.

It’s normal to feel discouraged by the length of this process. But every step exists to protect the child’s well-being and create a family where everyone can thrive.

Every Adopted Child Has Their Own Experience

This is one of the biggest misconceptions I encounter.

Sometimes people say, "We're adopting a newborn, so there won't be trauma."

Or they'll say, "If we adopt before they're five, they won't remember."

I want to gently challenge those ideas.

A baby's brain begins developing long before birth. Research has shown that stress during pregnancy can affect a child's development. After birth, even the experience of being separated from a birth parent is a significant loss, regardless of the child's age.

As children grow, many begin asking questions about their identity:

"Who do I look like?"

"Why couldn't my birth family raise me?"

"Where do I belong?"

Those questions are normal.

Every child processes loss differently. Some express it through sadness. Others through anger, withdrawal, anxiety, or behaviors that seem confusing.

Although I came to my forever home when I was two and a half years old, I still struggled deeply with my identity and my adoption story. I don't have conscious memories of my life before adoption, but I believe those early experiences still shaped me in ways I didn't understand until I was older.

As a teenager, I wrestled with questions about who I was and where I came from. Even now, as an adult, I occasionally notice echoes of those early experiences. They show up as food insecurity, fear of certain sounds, or feeling especially anxious in situations where I don't feel in control.

That's why I encourage parents not to take these questions or behaviors personally. Instead, become curious.

Ask yourself,

"What is my child trying to communicate?"

When we seek to understand the why behind a behavior instead of simply reacting to it, we create space for healing.

Helping your child understand their story while continually reminding them they are deeply loved can become one of the greatest gifts you ever give them.

The Importance of Building Trust Takes Time

This is one of the most valuable lessons I've learned both personally and professionally.

When a child enters your home, they're entering an entirely new world.

Your family's routines, expectations, traditions, and even what you consider "normal" may be completely unfamiliar to them.

Many children in foster care have learned to survive in environments that required very different behaviors than the ones you're hoping to teach.

Before focusing on correcting every behavior, focus on building the relationship.

Laugh together.

Play games.

Read books.

Bake cookies.

Go on walks.

Find activities you both enjoy.

Connection creates trust, and trust makes correction much more effective.

One of my favorite ways to explain this to families is by using the image of a piggy bank.

Every positive interaction—a laugh, a hug, a shared meal, a conversation—is like putting coins into the bank.

Every correction, consequence, or difficult conversation is like taking coins out.

As parents, we absolutely need to teach and correct our children. But we should strive to make far more deposits than withdrawals.

When you're feeling frustrated, ask yourself:

"How can I reconnect before I redirect?"

That simple shift often changes everything.

Final Thoughts

Adoption is a profound journey filled with hope, challenges, and deep rewards. Understanding that it takes time, that every child’s experience is unique, and that trust builds slowly can prepare families for success.

If you are considering adoption, take the time to learn, ask questions, and seek support. This journey is about creating a family where children feel safe, loved, and able to grow.

Your patience and commitment can change a child’s life forever.

This post is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional advice. Adoption laws and processes vary by location.